Why your tinder profile sucks

This blog, this one right here. I’ve wanted to write this for quite some time.

You see, I’ve conducted an experiment over the last few years, strictly for educational purposes. It involved me downloading several, quote/unquote, “dating” apps.

“Dating” is a polite way of saying it’s a way of pairing up two sexually aroused strangers and so they can swap spit and never speak again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unless you’ve been in a relationship with the love of your life, who just so happens to be born in the exact same city as you and attend the same high school (a miracle, I know), then you’ve probably dabbled with a few of these apps yourself.

I’m gonna give it to you straight. I’ve seem some shit. It’s humanly impossible to un-see the ungodly content fuck boys across the internet post at unprecedented rates.

This is not a blog meant to teach you how to become a better dating app guru, it’s meant to shine a light on the testosterone driven terror that has troubled female users for years.


Here is Why Your Profile Sucks


First Impressions

It seems to me like this topic is a mandatory part of the curriculum for every business class I’ve ever taken, detailing that an interview starts the second you walk into a room, not when the first question is asked. So, considering that every male in every College is a Business Major, shouldn’t they know this? You’d think so.

Their first picture, the one meant to intrigue and generate interest, is an android quality photo. . . with a snap chat filter. No one one want’s to “date” a guy who uses the dog filter, and especially not someone with an android.

I’m fearful that some can’t comprehend the first impression theory, i.e. instead of their face, they exhibit a car.


Bumble Profile                   Tinder Profile.JPG

The Bio

I’m genuinely curious if people know how to read? No, I’m serious. I wouldn’t be mad if someone has a learning disability or struggled with the English language.

I’m just admittedly concerned that 21st century schooling isn’t adequately teaching students how to read. Maybe it’s just the South Carolina public education.

Let me at least try and do some good within this post.

Your = it belongs to you

You’re = you are

their = it belongs to them

there = signify place or position

they’re = they are

That might clear up every issue I have with the bio.


oh wait I forgot one…


When Things Get Political

“Swipe in the direction of your political views”. Regardless of your political views, using politics as a way of weeding out people is literally the easiest way to cut your chances in half.

This also counts if you’re wearing a political T-shirt.

I don’t really have any jokes about this one, I just think it’s kinda dumb.

Save your political debate for a second date, maybe?


You’re basically a Catfish

Now don’t get your yeehaw panties in a twist. I’m not talking about the catfish you’re holding in every other picture. I mean it in a social media sense, ya know, like the Max and Nev version?

You might not completely be a catfish, but you definitely don’t look anything like your pictures.

We’re all guilty of a little FaceTune and over editing here and there, but damn bro.

You at least gotta throw one realistic picture in the mix so we know what we’re working with, otherwise you might as well be a catfish.

You can’t be looking like a grade A hottie and then actually be under 6′? That should be illegal.






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