microsoft excel is ruining my life

Hello my name is Scout Petersen, and I feel personally victimized by excel spreadsheets.

Those tedious tiles of terror are single handedly funding anxiety medication companies across the world.  You realized you missed one date while you were entering data? Congrats. The next 200 cells are incorrect. And while this is (kind of) a quick fix, it’s admittedly more aggravating than the fact that I actually pay money for this application.

Here’s the beef I have with excel, in no particular order.


it’s super ugly

this might not seem like a pressing enough matter to create an entire blog post on it, but it’s important to ME.

Excel looks pretty busted if I’m being honest. That old school look with it’s Elphaba puke green. It’s chart color options are even ugly. I’m in it for the aesthetic only. It’s 2018. This. Matters.

But can we talk about what’s important? The white cement wall look has got to go. Those bare bricks are practically begging to be spray painted. You can’t expect me to stare at a wall of black and white numbers. It’s inhumane. Just let me make you pretty excel. I’ll add a little color in your life. I bet you’re sick of all those numbers too.


you have to be certified

alright. this one isn’t completely excels fault, it’s society’s. But I’m going to blame excel for the sake of connivence.

Not only do you need to pay for the application, but you also need to torture yourself by attending a class on it. And on top of that, you’re expected to PASS a test. If these steps aren’t completed, I don’t have the “skills I need”,  or a “cutting edge” in the work force. ugh.

if you’ve ever tried to get certified, and I mean like ACTUALLY certified, no free-be-I-did-it-in-a-class crap, you’d know that it’s not easy.

Becoming certified is a matter of knowing more than how to shift cells left. You need to know every pointless function and button that Bill Gates decided I needed in my spreadsheet career.

NEWSFLASH! The workforce using this godforsaken application doesn’t even profit from these features. No one uses them. There. I said it!

p.s. Excel is always updating, so even WHEN I’m certified (which I’m not), I’ll have to keep relearning it’s program every time it decides to update.


it’s hard to use

excel was created for record keeping, so it’s meant to handle thousands on thousands of pointless numbers eventually used to create an average. Sending massive files between people is damn near impossible. They might not have the right update of excel and suddenly, the format opens differently. I don’t know how to fix it, you don’t know how to fix it. we’re all screwed.

scuse me while I climb back upon my soap box. ah hem. EXCEL IS PURPOSELY HARD TO USE IN ORDER TO SEEM ELITE AND FANCY.

that’s all.

in conclusion

Colleges forcibly use this application knowing that it is all foam and no beer, and I am an unwilling victim in this war.

I would like to apologize to anyone who doesn’t mind using excel. You’ve been brainwashed, and for that, I feel sorry for you.




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