David Sedaris Remake

My most recent assignment in my Poetry 220 class was to pick an author or poem we particularly enjoy and attempt to recreate their piece. If you really know me, you’d be well aware that I’m obsessed with David Sedaris.

If you haven’t heard of him, plz keep reading because you will learn to love him.

He is my inspo. My muse. The funniest man alive. Luv u david <3.

So without further adieu, here’s his poem, “Dog Poems”, followed by my copycat poem, “College Poems”.

(warning, it’s vulgar and hilarious)

David Sedaris’ “dog poems” published in Esquire

Pepper, Spot, and Leopold

Were sent by God, so I've been told,

In hopes we might all comprehend

That every dog is man's best friend!!!

Hail hyperactive Myrtle,

Owned by folks who are infertile.

Her owners boast as she runs wild,

"She's not a spaniel, she's our child!"

Rags, the Shatwells' Irish setter,

Doubles as a paper shredder.

His lunch was bills and last year's taxes

Followed by a dozen faxes.

Kimmy, once considered ruthless,

Lies in her basket, bald and toothless.

Her youth's long spent, so now she passes

All her time releasing gases.

Petunia May they say was struck

Chasing down a garbage truck.

A former purebred Boston terrier,

Her family's wond'ring where to bury her.

Each Saturday at half past one,

Miss shih tzu has her toenails done.

In the chair she pouts and squirms,

Not knowing that she's full of worms.

Most ev'ry evening Goldilocks

Snacks from Kitty's litter box.

Then, on command, she gives her missus

Lots of little doggie kisses.

Hercules, a Pekinese,

Was taken in and dipped for fleas.

Insecticide got in his eyes,

Now he'll be blind until he dies.

The Deavers' errant pit bull, Cass,

Bit the postman on the ass.

Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter,

Now his walk's a bit distincter.

The bitches loved the pug Orestes

Until the vet snipped off his testes.

Left with only anal glands,

He's been reduced to shaking hands.

Each night, old Bowser licks his balls,

Then falls asleep till nature calls.

He poops a stool, then, though it's heinous,

Bends back down and licks his anus.

Dachshund Skip from Winnipeg

Loves to hump his master's leg.

Every time he gets it up, he

Stains Bill's calf with unborn puppy.

A naughty Saint Bernard named Don,

Finds Polly's Kotex in the john.

He holds the blood steak in his jaws

And mourns her coming menopause.

Rip. So funny. You’re obsessed w him now, right? Go buy his newest book, “Calypso”, on amazon —-> here

Here’s my take.

(also another warning, this is vulgar too)

College Poems by Scout Petersen

English, Math, and Biology

A four-year topic of degree

In hopes we all might gain the knowledge

Of how to live life after college

The fraternity president, Johnny, said

Pi apple phi until I’m dead

His business classes are no joke

They help his drug ring sell their coke

Mary planned out her whole life

And came to college to be a wife

Yet surprised she hasn’t gotten her MRS

With the amount of times that she’s had sex

Homeless man on the corner, begs for money

As Chelsea walks by, says she hasn’t got any.

Meanwhile her parents pay her rent

Her bank account hasn’t taken a dent

High school sweethearts decide to brave the distance

1000 miles couldn’t break loves persistence

Until Jim showed up as a surprise

And found Pam in bed with two other guys

A semester in Italy, learning culture and exploring

Not a single minute was ever boring

Claire only went for pictures on her phone

To tell everyone else she’s never coming home

On a football scholarship, James thought he had it all

Fans cheering his name come every Fall

With the recent spurt of his manic depression

He cries to his therapist during every session

lmk what you think & if it made you laugh! 😉

2 thoughts on “David Sedaris Remake

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