Dumbest things to do on a night out in Charleston, SC

Travel + Leisure’s #1 City in the U.S. welcomes a little over 5 million tourists each and every year. That city is one I have the pleasure of calling home. Living in the heart of the downtown tourist playpen, I’ve had firsthand experience when it comes to dealing with travelers (& college students). My stories range from the drunk mom that bought my roommate and me ice cream, to the new round of bridesmaids rolling up to the Airbnb next door every. single. week.

Whether you’re a student, or in town visiting a friend, this probably applies to you. Below I’ve compiled a list of the absolute dumbest things to do on a night out in Charleston, SC.

Not end your night with street meat

If you’ve never been to Charleston, this probably sounds like something sexual, and let me tell you, it is. The pleasure of eating a gyro from the gyro-stand-man while absolutely waffle’d, many would say is orgasmic. The delicacy of a warm gyro to hug you as you walk yourself home is your only saving grace. As far as southern hospitality, it’s not going to get any better than the gyro-stand-man. He’s always there for you when no one else is.

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smell literally anything

Charleston might look like a beautiful magazine cover for southern living, but it sure doesn’t smell that way. The aroma of flaming trash hovers above this city like a moth on a lamp.

Trash cans are piled high and stationed on the store front of each million dollar window display. It’s unavoidable.

Pro tip: visit when you have a cold. No smell = good smell.

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be from rhode island (with the help of ID god)

This won’t fly in the holy city. Bouncers here love collecting counterfeit identification so much that they’ll even assume your real ID is fake. Odds are, you aren’t from Rhode Island. They’re not dumb. Here’s a helpful tip. Try finding someone older than you with the same hair color so you can commit identity fraud. If all else fails, slip the bouncer a $20 and it’s “go right in Ms. Petersen, it’s an honor to be your door man for the night”.

If you’re actually from Rhode Island, I apologize. Maybe try Savannah?

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go to Omalls with officer Farley outside

If you do this, you deserve a ticket. This obviously doesn’t apply for someone actually of legal drinking age, but let’s be honest here, if you’re going to Omalls on a Saturday (or pub house as the kids call it), you’re definitely 17, me included. Officer Farley is someone we fetus’ don’t want to get too involved with. The pint-sized police officer gets off by giving you a charge.

Don’t feed his addiction.

For just $0 a day, you can go to any other bar in Charleston and help Farley break his craving for charging children with crimes.

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bring your parents

unless they’re okay with watching your freshman roommate make out with some ginger she just met, opt for dinner instead. the bar scene is far from classy.

But if they’re really fucking cool, bring them so the bartender serves you first. They might even give you a real glass instead of a plastic one.

have anything less than $6

A shot is $6. no. This isn’t New York City. This is hell. Bring $30. You’re gonna spend it.

drop your benny’s pizza on the ground

That beautiful slice is so big it needs two paper plates. But I know what you’re thinking. . . “thus the basis of its appeal!” I’m with you. It’s so difficult to manage, especially when everything is spinning. Hold on for dear life, sweet prince. That greasy triangle sure loves residing on the cobble stone streets.

Don’t let that za become a fallen soldier.

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