Unless you’ve been on a four-year social media cleanse, or literally have no friends, you’re whole heartedly aware that birthdays are not at all what they once were. A simple “birthday dinner” is a thing of the past. Sure, that term is still tossed around, but it has no right being called that. If you’re invited to a 2018 “birthday dinner” that means you’re roped into the birthday group text, birthday getting ready before dinner, birthday post dinner pre-pregame party, birthday let’s go to bars, you get where I’m going. Long story short, it’s a whole lot more than what you signed up for.
It all begins with a Facebook page.
This page is a personal roast between the birthday girl and her 100 closest friends. You start sending in cringe worthy drunk videos alongside claims that you’re astonished she’s even survived this long. It’s mean, but she doesn’t mind, so long as you’re talking about her.
The description of the event gives a detailed itinerary of the rest of the festivities. The paragraph sounds a little something like this:
“Hey underage children. No one thought this day would come, but 7 ID’s later and I’ll finally be able to legally enter “insert name of the dirtiest college bar”. Join me at my apartment the night before I turn 21 for a pregame filled with piñata’s and pictures. There will be Four Loko’s, but if that isn’t your drink of choice, then please don’t come. Black out or back out.”
A select few will then be added into a group text and invited to dinner. This usually means you’re a “top 10” friend, or one that doesn’t have an exam the next day. It’ll definitely be at a restaurant you can’t afford, so you’ll be stuck eating salad while the birthday gal enjoys a 16-oz. filet mignon. The salad will not prepare you for your future drinking. You’ll learn this the hard way.
The birthday girl will be dressed to the 9’s and have on a 2’-by- 4’ sign around her neck so that in the unlikely case that someone doesn’t already know it’s her birthday, all she has to do is pivot 20 degrees.
The sign is usually something memorable about the birthday gal. Maybe it’s her favorite Netflix show, or favorite drink, but what’s on the back is what really matters. There’s a checklist of 21 things she’s expected to complete before dawn. Given she’s already hammered at 7pm, odds are it won’t be close to completed, but that’s not the point. The point is that she can use it as an excuse to kiss 21 strangers.
Once the night of nights begins, all bets are off. It’s a race to keep up with the birthday girl while simultaneously making sure she can physically walk on her own.
The next morning is painful, but it’s far from over. If you’re a real friend, you’re obligated to post a shout out on the gram. Not just a Story, but instead a REAL post. Typically it’s a picture from the night before where the gold twenty-one shaped balloons are in the incorrect order. Your caption reads, “Happy 12th Birthday!” Much creative. Such unique. Fair warning, if your friend looks ugly in any of the pictures, well, good luck Charlie. (but don’t worry, you’ll end up archiving it later).
For anyone that’s done any of these things for their birthday & takes offense, just know, the joke’s really on me. I don’t turn 21 until for another 8 MONTHS. rip.