Yuge shout-out to Girl Defined Ministries for sponsoring this blog post.

Mr. Snapchat

You’re making small talk at a bar with a dark-haired hottie. He’s been dazzling you with witty conversation for the last 15 minutes and hasn’t roasted you for your liberal arts degree. As he pulls out his phone, you’re thinking about how cute and normal this guy is, silently praying he’ll ask for your number. Lo and behold, as he clicks open his cracked iPhone 5, instead of heading straight to the contacts app, he glides his thumb on over to Snapchat.

Yikes.

This is a tell-tale sign that this man does not respect women. I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it works.

Mr. No Rhythm

Imagine being the ninth caller on a radio contest and winning tickets to the 2030 One Direction reunion concert. You find your old tour merch balled up in a cardboard box labeled ‘for goodwill.’ You try it on, and it still fits from when you were fourteen. You ask your best friend if she wants to come with, but she bails on account of having to raise her children, so you decide to bring Mr. No Rhythm along. The drum sticks click. Midnight Memories blasts from the speakers and this guy has the audacity to clap on the off-beats.

Mr. Aggressively Political

There is truly no faster way to dry a pair of underwear.

Mr. Interesting

My mother once told me that it’s a lot more earnest to be interested than interesting.

This guy doesn’t listen to you, he simply waits his turn to speak. He captivates you with a play-by-play of how he turned down a D2 baseball scholarship, but really, it’d be a lot cooler if he didn’t.

Mr. Boring would never.

Mr. Uncultured Swine

If he doesn’t understand your internet humor references, well, good luck Charlie.

If you’re still confused, please click here.